I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.