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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Thinking about Jeff
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.