Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*