Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope