Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.