Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
You Might Also Like
Me checking my bank balance online.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’m going to need a moment here.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.