Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
You Might Also Like
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Who.
Did.
This?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020