Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.