It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
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My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.