Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
What the hell happened here.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.