Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister