“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Hard not to take this personally
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…