adam and eve had first world problems
You Might Also Like
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
can’t bark with your mouth full
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I’m about to risk it all
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.