@SadieSmithRoks: Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.
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@murrman5: My boss said when I'm at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said "you're the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it"
@thatUPSdude: My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep "I know" was probably not the right answer
@FunnyJokeBook: Parents: "Why don't you come socialize with the family?" Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*