I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’