I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
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Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race