My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.