Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Thursday
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!