Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
You Might Also Like
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.