Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
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4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?