@gingerfaced: Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars.
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@LackOfShame: Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
@novicefather: My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss... We don't know each other's name.
@skin_and_i: Playing guess the animal with 4yo. 4: it looks like a tiger. Me: a lion? 4: no. Me: leopard? 4: no. Me: i give up 4: it's a tiger
@bfrosty04: Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.