Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior