The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.