next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
You Might Also Like
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
There is no “we” in pizza
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
liiiiiiiiike
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*