Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
You Might Also Like
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
🤣🤣🤣
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about