Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
You Might Also Like
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.