“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.