@daplusk: Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
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@BuckyIsotope: Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
@Try2StopME: I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
@Easy_Tiger__: I'm playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
@iwearaonesie: *sees cars lined up outside church* wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding? me: What's the difference?