@daplusk: Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
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@ghostkrogh: [pearly gates] st peter: welcome everybody- *i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it's the rim*
@WheelTod: A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
@Home_Halfway: ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water? FIREFIGHTER: Sir that's a hydrant