@GreenishDuck: Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.
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@tastefactory: [zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
@ch000ch: i'm wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly