Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Sheep
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?