Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.