@GreenishDuck: Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.
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@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] HER: He's always talking down to me ME: *heavy sigh* It's called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
@Tmoney68: At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
@ValeeGrrl: Husband said, "If you were really THAT funny you wouldn't have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY." So now I have a tombstone to select
@Swishergirl24: If I tell you I can't text you because I'm driving it's only because I'm also eating.