@eyepluckeramit: Next time you're in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say "Yes, can I get some toilet paper?"
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@SardonicTart: [Gone for an hour] Boss: Where have you been? Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn't find the beginning.
@daemonic3: Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work Cop2: Not a bit Cop1: Ok cover me, I'm going in Cop2: HI GOING IN I'M DAD [both get shot]
@POTerritory: Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink? Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It's... Him: Please don't. Me: ...single molt