@eyepluckeramit: Next time you're in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say "Yes, can I get some toilet paper?"
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@alanferrier: Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?
@blaha_Who: I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once It was just once, because using them as reins isn't cool, apparently
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Be back after lunch! Boss: OK Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL* *goes home, turns on baseball*
@Ygrene: [Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this