[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
*checks Timeline*…
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
work smarter, not harder
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*