@KKAlThani: Next time you're not feeling hungry, tell yourself you're going on a diet in an hour & you'll unleash the starving African child inside you.
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@CopBroughtPizza: "even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill." - my first and last day as a defense attorney
@badbanana: When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
@BillMc7: Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn't think of this.
@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"