@dysalexia: Next time you're on a date and someone asks "Is that your boyfriend or your brother?" smile really creepy and whisper "Both".
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@michaelianblack: Police inspectors on British mystery shows always seem to know the murder victim. Moral: do not befriend any British police inspectors.
@moooooog35: Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas. Neighbor: Nice. I got- Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
@JustTashie: Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don't like people.
@ChaseMit: My girlfriend's car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.