@dysalexia: Next time you're on a date and someone asks "Is that your boyfriend or your brother?" smile really creepy and whisper "Both".
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@Brampersandon_: [sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end] ME: Put it on its side and it'll roll, idiot
@dlicj: me: (texting boss) we still on for work today? boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're "on" for work every day mon-fri