Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
he chose this
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
When I snag the last meatball.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”