Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
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Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
#FunnyLife Insects
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.