Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
me adding lol on a serious message
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.