Meow
You Might Also Like
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to