A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
#oldknees
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”