BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.