My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.