@BMcCarthy32: NFL catch rules are absurd. "Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn't accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete."
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@bourgeoisalien: Having a kid is great because it's basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
@sexypitabread: I accidentally said "pastryarchy" instead of "patriarchy" and now I have a vision for a better world
@QwertyJones3: I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I'm gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
@maurex23: "I like Trump because he isn't a politician." Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.