@BMcCarthy32: NFL catch rules are absurd. "Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn't accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete."
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@weinerdog4life: Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
@Mr_Kapowski: [drops in bath bomb] Security: We’re gonna have to ask you to leave the aquarium, sir
@kelkulus: My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
@samfromks: Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner? Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes...