NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.