NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19