Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
We need to put an American base on the sun
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving