Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
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Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Damn he played himself
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]