“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
When you can’t find your friend Neil
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
and now we wait
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Thursday
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK