“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
You Might Also Like
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Skills
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”