Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*