People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.