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Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?