Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I’ve been drinking.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Plumber: I think I found the problem
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.