@nerdfaced: Nice guys don't finish last, fat guys do.
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@TheBeerGuy73: *smokes fat doobie* *enters hotdog eating contest* *sets Guinness World Record* *gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
@bobvulfov: [standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents] ME: this zoo is terrible
@SteveKoehler22: Vegetarians and vegans are admirable ...... but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
@Elizasoul80: My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."