@phalguy: Nice guys finish last, cause stamina.
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@BoscoPorter: Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?"
@Playing_Dad: If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid's name will be just whisper "AND THE DARK LORD'S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED." They love that.
@dongfuture: *stops walking* Wait, I think there’s a stone in my shoe *takes off shoe, shakes it upside down* *Mick Jagger hits the ground with a thud*
@bourgeoisalien: The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, "Happy Birthday" just to get cake.