@phalguy: Nice guys finish last, cause stamina.
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@SuperRandomish: When someone asks how I feel, I always answer "Squishy and like I've done something wrong"
@DanMentos: *sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she’s holding a clipboard* god dammit
@ayyyyloser: How to handle a one night stand the next morning: 1. Put on Titanic 2. He's gone, that's it
@DadandBuried: I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.