If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
You Might Also Like
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.