Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
You Might Also Like
*struts into the new year
~ trips
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
this is literally a CIA plant
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.