Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
When someone trying to leave me
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy