I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
You Might Also Like
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask