@iRowlf: Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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@TattleTSister: I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
@Jaywoo74: Wife: You act like a child with that phone. Me: Child? I'm a grown ass man. Wife: Let me see your phone. Me: No. *snatches phone Me: MINE
@MensHumor: You can tell by a woman's feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now