@iRowlf: Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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@kharizzmaaa: Happy Mother's Day to the woman who told me "I could fall out at home" when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called? Me: Gelt. Coworker: Guilt? Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
@dulcetry: My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
@SuperApple80: It’s like my kid challenging me to this pillow fight doesn’t realize I’ll swing for the fences.