Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
what
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.